*DISCLAIMER: This post will speak on what I myself need(ed). The things I mention in no way can help every NICU mom, and there are things that I have never even thought about that the woman you are thinking of while reading this needs. But simply having the mindset of being willing to learn how you can be there for the woman you are thinking of while reading this is already the right thing.*
The fact you clicked on this blog speaks volumes of you as a person. So thank you. Thank you from every past, current, and future NICU mom. Thank you for being willing to learn, because learning is supporting.
No woman decides to have a traumatic birth followed by going home without their baby. And when she finally brings her baby home, that does not mean she is no longer a NICU mom. No, no, no. If only it were that simple. It is now a part of her identity. It guides how she parents and the decisions she makes for her child and her household. The experience will change her. It will change her outlook and opinion on so many things, including the littlest of things. She will become a different person.
She might lose close friends who will not be able to understand and accept the new her. She might lose closeness with family who will not understand why the things that worked for their full term babies cannot work for her preemie. She might lose closeness with co-workers who will not be willing to listen to the health updates and milestones of her tiny fighter. She might lose jobs because time with her child is more important than the job that can replace her before she ever leaves. She might lose herself because the person she was before is already so far gone, and she will not have any time to find the new her because all energy is already going into protecting her tiny fighter.
So while her entire world is uncertain right now, here are some ways you can love her through all of the changes and unknown:
1. Check on Mom, not just the baby.
While showing you care about how many dirty diapers the baby had that day will mean a lot to her, she also needs to be reminded that people still care about her, too. She probably is not as okay as she seems. She is probably overwhelmed and emotionally numb. Chances are, she probably has not had time to process much just yet and does not realize just how not okay she is. She is probably pushing her feelings to the side to focus on her tiny fighter, as is natural. So reach out to her.
It may seem like she is pushing you away and being too vague or short with her responses, but I promise she notices and appreciates your efforts. Don't give up on her. She is grasping at every sliver of stability she can find, and you may be all she has some days. So don't stop calling (even if she doesn't always answer), don't stop offering to do things (even if she says no thanks), don't stop sending food (even if she insists you've done too much). Just please, don't stop showing up for her. She needs you to love loudly.
2. Drive her to and from night visits.
This may not be applicable to all, but for the time (2020) and place my babies were born, I had no choice but to leave them. It was literally impossible for me to stay at bedside 24/7, no matter how much it pained me to walk away. Being present for as many cares (feeding, changing, checking vitals, straightening bedding, etc.) is important to most NICU moms. Those are things "normal moms" get to do around the clock immediately following birth, but for NICU moms it is a big deal to be able to change your own baby's diaper every three hours.
So if the NICU mom in your life desires to be at the hospital at 9:00pm to feed and change her baby's diaper so a stranger doesn't have to, offer to take her. The drives to and from the hospital get exhausting, even if it's only across town. The drives in the dark are lonely and sad. Something about leaving the NICU for the final time of the day is even more sad than leaving to go take a nap or grab a meal knowing you will be back in a few hours. Even if she wants to ride in silence, cry, or sing as loud as she can to her favorite song, I can almost guarantee she will appreciate not having to drive alone in the dark.
3. Make her time at home as enjoyable as it can be.
What little time she does spend at home needs to be focused on whatever she WANTS it to be focused on. That could mean different things for everyone, but I trust you know your friend well enough to make this applicable to her.
For some NICU moms it may be helpful to not have to worry about her house. Things you could do to make this happen include cleaning her house while she's visiting the baby, cooking for her or having a meal delivered, picking up her groceries, doing her laundry, getting her mail, taking her dog to the groomer/vet, helping keep her older kids on a somewhat normal routine, and writing thank you cards for her.
For other NICU moms, they may feel like in order to not feel completely out of control of their own lives (since they are currently unable to fully care for their own baby without a full-on medical team) they may be bothered by people taking care of their household responsibilities as well. If that is the case, you can: sit with her or watch a movie with her while she folds laundry, go to the grocery store with her, help her paint the nursery and fold the baby's clothes, or simply just be physically present for whatever it is she decides she wants to do.
4. Ask her what material items she needs, and find a way to get them to her.
While it is possible to survive the NICU without spending money on "luxury" items, some products sure make it easier. For example, the Elvie pump would have made my NICU experience so much better, because I would not have had to leave my babies' bedsides during what little time I was able to be there to go pump in the lactation room. It was too expensive for me to justify purchasing for myself, but it would have been nice if friends and family would have all pitched in to purchase it. I would NEVER have asked anyone to contribute anything for it, but if someone would have taken it upon themselves to collect money specifically for that cause, I would have been so incredibly grateful!
And on that note, some material items that did, in fact, make our NICU journey more comfortable for me can be found on this Amazon wish list! https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/O1D7YQHQ0MWQ?ref_=wl_share
5. Offer to be her communicator.
It is exhausting and incredibly time consuming to keep everyone updated on every little thing. And some things you don't want to share all over social media. So let her type updates and YOU be responsible for sending it out to everyone on her list. But, of course, don't post social media updates without her blessing.
But if ALL you can do is pray for her and her baby, do it fervently. That alone is so important and appreciated.
