As World Breastfeeding Week is coming to an end, I felt led to share our journey. I want to document my thoughts in words, but also I want to encourage other mamas out there who may find themselves in similar situations. So, here it goes.
Before we even started TTC, I knew I wanted to give breastfeeding my best effort. I watched videos, read books, followed mommy vloggers on social media, and researched all of the popular products that claim to make the experience easier. When we found out we were having twins, I immediately began researching all the ways to successfully breastfeed two babies. It was scary. I joined groups on Facebook and sought out fellow twin moms on social media. I learned that it was going to be hard, but it was possible.
Fast forward to my babies being born prematurely at 31w6d. Right after birth, they were flown 2.5 hours away from the hospital I delivered at to a higher level NICU. I was not discharged for a few more days because I lost a little too much blood during my C-section. I sat there in my hospital room (the same one I had been in for the last five weeks) and felt completely useless as a mom. Negative thoughts flooded my mind. "My body failed my babies." "They don't need me." "There is nothing I can do for them." "Other people are caring for them and they have no idea I exist." But, the one thing I could do for them 2.5 hours away before I even properly met them was to pump. I pumped for 30 minutes every two hours around the clock beginning just after I got back from the OR. I remember it was such tiny amounts we put what I collected in little syringes. I was becoming discouraged at how long it was taking for my milk to come in, especially not knowing when I would be able to meet my babies. As you can imagine, telling your body to produce milk right after a C-section at 31 weeks with no baby snuggles or smells is not the easiest way to start.
On day two, the NICU called me and asked my permission to give my son donor milk through his feeding tube until I was able to get up there and deliver what I had pumped. Although I know it was best for him and I am thankful to the woman who donated, it was still another jab in the heart because the one thing I was supposed to be able to do for them was being done by another stranger. But I put my feelings aside and consented. He only got 24 hours of feedings from donor milk before I arrived.
The day they both started receiving my breastmilk was the day they began to make strides of improvement. That is when I decided I was going to give this my all and I would go down fighting if it meant that my body could help my babies grow, because I was still feeling like my body is what got them in this critical state fighting for their lives. I vividly remember waking up to alarms every two hours during the night to pump. While pumping I would check the hospital cameras and call up to the NICU to check on the twins.
My husband has always been so supportive in our breastfeeding journey, too. He always washed my pump parts for me after each pumping session so I could go back to sleep faster and would have them ready when I woke up the next time.
The first NICU we were in did not allow moms to pump at bedside (which literally made no sense because you could nurse and do skin to skin at bedside, but whatever) so I had to leave the babies to go pump in the very nice lactation room. I hated it though, because that meant I had to give up holding my babies to go be away from them for 30+ minutes. When we back transferred to our hometown NICU, I was allowed to pump at bedside. In fact, I would often hold Adeline on my chest while pumping (thanks to the Kindred Bravely hands free pumping bras!).
After a few weeks, the twins were able to start latching after I pumped for a non-nutritive feed. They were not strong enough to nurse yet, but it got them used to the smell of milk coming from Mommy and it really boosted my milk supply. We saw many different lactation consultants at both hospitals and most of them were very helpful. But the one thing they all taught me is that doing everything by the book is not going to work for every baby. Every baby and every mom is different.
Oh, and confession: I did not enjoy tandem nursing. I did it a few times but I never really enjoyed it. With the twins being so tiny, I was unable to sit back and relax and I didn't have a free hand to help them re-latch or reposition so I most often chose to nurse one at a time.
Once they finally got the hang of "suck, swallow, breathe" and were strong enough to get my milk moving, things only got more challenging! Adeline choked while nursing multiple times every nursing session. She did this with a bottle too, but more frequently on the breast. I was getting discouraged and blamed myself but I was determined. I ended up using a slow flow nipple shield and laying in a heavily reclined position to help my letdown not be so overwhelming to her. It helped some, but she still was choking.
When she was six months old we had a swallow study done and Adeline was diagnosed with dysphasia. She was not just choking while eating, but also aspirating. We had to stop nursing so that all of her liquids could be thickened. We had quite the struggle figuring out which thickener to use with breastmilk, but we ended up going with Gelmix.
In March 2021 I got a very bad stomach bug. I was so dehydrated I had to get three bags of fluids. During that time we used up all of my freezer stash and I was not producing enough milk even for one baby, not to mention two. It was then at 7.5 months old both babies had formula for the very first time. I did not feel as sad about it as I thought I would because I was determined to get my supply back. I did, but it never got back to what it was before.
Since Isaac could nurse with no issue, he got formula at daycare and Adeline got formula overnight (preparing thickened breastmilk bottles takes longer than preparing thickened formula bottles so we chose the faster option for overnight). That worked for us until May 2021.
In May 2021 I lost my full time job unexpectedly. While at work I pumped every 2-3 hours. When I suddenly became a stay at home twin mom, I found it challenging to pump that often, nurse one baby, bond with the other, and trust them to not need me while I was attached to the wall for 30 minutes. It was not a conscious decision, but Adeline got less and less breastmilk and by 10 months old was exclusively formula fed. I did not notice a negative or positive change in her at all. It was almost like she and her body did not even notice. That made me feel better about the situation.
At first I was beating myself up over it because I was feeding my twins so differently. Isaac was exclusively nursing around the clock and Adeline was only getting formula. But then I put it in perspective for myself. If they were not twins, I would inevitably nurse one longer than the other. They are twins, but they are two totally different babies with two totally different nursing journeys.
The twins will turn one next week and Isaac still nurses for nutrients and comfort every 4 hours. Adeline loves her bottle and still thinks it has to be warmed up first. They recently each had their tongue and lip ties corrected by a pediatric ENT and Adeline had a notch in her larynx injected with filler to help with her aspiration. Each journey with each baby has been unique and special, just like them. I'm proud of each of them and I'm proud of myself, too. Not just for breastfeeding, but for keeping two tiny humans alive and sustained for a whole year (next week!).
And to the mama reading this, I'm proud of you, too. No matter your journey, no matter your method of feeding your child. Whatever choice you made was made with bravery and your child's best interest at heart. And if the choice had to be made for you, I have no doubt that you did your research to best prepare yourself for your feeding journey. You've done an amazing job and I hope you see that, too.
